Death & Grieving 02/09/2012
 
I just read about the drive through funeral home in Southern California.  Yes, you actually drive through the funeral home.  The deceased is viewed through bullet proof glass and you don’t ever have to leave the comfort of your car to sign the guest book or to “pay your respects.”  Apparently this concept started in the late 1980’s when gang violence made going to a graveside service dangerous.  Now it is being promoted as helpful to the elderly who have trouble getting in and out of the car and for those “on their lunch hour.”  The article says, “The parlor offers a convenient alternative to older people who find it hard to walk, those who want to make a quick stop during the lunch hour, and the families of well-known deceased people who expect many visitors.”  Drive through funeral homes are also located in Chicago and Louisiana.  “It’s a convenience thing” one man was quoted as saying.

I find this a bit weird and unsettling... 
As a pastor, I’ve performed a number of funerals and spent time with many families who have had a loved one die.  I’ve counted funeral directors as my friends and colleagues.  I’ve read books on grieving and have attempted to help people through the grieving process.  We as Americans have travelled a long way from the 1800’s where death was often handled personally and up close.  Many kids today grow up without having one person that they were close to die.  Many adults shy away from death and those who are grieving.  I would say that overall as a society, we’ve become unaccustomed to and unfamiliar with death and grief.

This photoblog about the drive through funeral home really makes a point without even trying to make any comments about our society.  Have we really travelled so far away from personal interaction and relationships that we think that this is a good idea? 

One of the things that a visitation before the service does is help the family.  As people come through the receiving line or gather inside the funeral home, the family gets a handshake, a long hug, or a chance to cry and laugh as they respond to stories told about their deceased loved one.  It is this personal contact that helps the family move along in the grief process.  They need the human touch and the personal contact that says, “I care about you” or “I cared about your loved one.”  It helps ease their pain just a bit.

I often hear people say, “I didn’t go to the funeral (or visitation) because I didn’t know the deceased.”  As a pastor, I want to encourage you to attend visitations or funerals whether you knew the deceased or whether you know one of the family members.  At times like these, you taking the time to attend is an encouragement to the family.  It signals that you care.  They will appreciate your presence.  You don’t have to stay long to make an impression.  Sign the guest book, say hello to the family and you’re done.

I know that most people don’t know what to say to family members so they shy away from attending.  It is always appropriate to say, “I am sorry for your loss.”  Then if you knew the deceased tell the family a short story or memory that you had of that person.  If you didn’t know the deceased and are there to support a family member, ask them to tell you “a favorite memory about your loved one.”

If you are friends with the family, give them time to grieve after the funeral is over.  Some people try to push the family back to “normal” and to “get over it” as soon as the funeral is over.  For many families, life will never return to “normal.”  They might develop a “new normal” but things will never go back to the way they were.  Everybody works through their grief at different speeds and in different ways.  It might take months or years for the person to work through their grief.  One mistake that we often make is to never talk about the deceased with family again.  Widowed spouses often are very touched when someone mentions their deceased loved one.  As a society we make dead people taboo and so the surviving spouse often feels more out of touch because no one will acknowledge that their loved one even existed.  Yes, the spouse may cry a bit—but it is normally a therapeutic release—it is good for them in the long run. 

Usually we will tell the family, “Call me if you need anything.”  It is best that we just suggest to them what we think they would find helpful; they can always say, “no” but then they don’t have to be creative or feel like the pressure is on them.  Often times just being present, spending some time with them is helpful.  You may not even say anything or do anything directly with them.  Just you being there, reading your own book, being in the same room, is a comfort to them.  They might be VERTY thankful that you didn’t force them to talk—but you are physically around in case they want to. 

Be mindful that people who are grieving may say some things that you find shocking, especially immediately after the event.  Let them vent.  You don’t need to correct everything that they said.  AND certainly keep the platitudes to yourself.  Some things should never be said aloud to a grieving person. “God needed another angel.”  “All things work for good.”  “Time heals all wounds.”  “God knows best.”  And never tell the person that they should not feel the way they do. Allow them to emote and express themselves.  Yes, they may say some things that you know are incorrect, but in the middle of grieving it is not the time to correct them.  Remember that God doesn’t need you to defend Him. 

The drive through funeral home approach seems very inappropriate to me in the majority of situations.  People need the ministry of face to face relationships.  Going to a visitation may be inconvenient and a bit uncomfortable for most of us—but it is the good and right thing to do.  If someone at church, at work or in the neighborhood dies or if you know a family member of someone who has died, please make an effort to demonstrate you love and concern in a very practical manner.

http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10362637-inside-las-drive-thru-and-bulletproof-funeral-home

 


Comments

Judy Jensen
02/09/2012 11:27pm

The idea of a drive through funeral home is unthinkable and your suggestions of how to best respond to a grieving person are excellent, In Swaziland, if a woman's husband dies the people assume she cast a spell on him through witchcraft and that is why he died. At the funeral they put a blanket over her head so no one will have to look at her (for fear she would cast a spell on them too). For two years she is marked as a widow because she must wear black. No one will look at her, talk to her or have anything to do with her. How she must long for a kind word of encouragement, someone to talk to or someone to hold her in her pain and despair. Please think of this widow when you are considering not going to a friend's funeral because you don't know what to say. God will give you the words...and a hug says it all.

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