As a pastor, I’ve performed a number of funerals and spent time with many families who have had a loved one die.  I’ve counted funeral directors as my friends and colleagues.  I’ve read books on grieving and have attempted to help people through the grieving process.  We as Americans have travelled a long way from the 1800’s where death was often handled personally and up close.  Many kids today grow up without having one person that they were close to die.  Many adults shy away from death and those who are grieving.  I would say that overall as a society, we’ve become unaccustomed to and unfamiliar with death and grief.

This photoblog about the drive through funeral home really makes a point without even trying to make any comments about our society.  Have we really travelled so far away from personal interaction and relationships that we think that this is a good idea? 

One of the things that a visitation before the service does is help the family.  As people come through the receiving line or gather inside the funeral home, the family gets a handshake, a long hug, or a chance to cry and laugh as they respond to stories told about their deceased loved one.  It is this personal contact that helps the family move along in the grief process.  They need the human touch and the personal contact that says, “I care about you” or “I cared about your loved one.”  It helps ease their pain just a bit.

I often hear people say, “I didn’t go to the funeral (or visitation) because I didn’t know the deceased.”  As a pastor, I want to encourage you to attend visitations or funerals whether you knew the deceased or whether you know one of the family members.  At times like these, you taking the time to attend is an encouragement to the family.  It signals that you care.  They will appreciate your presence.  You don’t have to stay long to make an impression.  Sign the guest book, say hello to the family and you’re done.

I know that most people don’t know what to say to family members so they shy away from attending.  It is always appropriate to say, “I am sorry for your loss.”  Then if you knew the deceased tell the family a short story or memory that you had of that person.  If you didn’t know the deceased and are there to support a family member, ask them to tell you “a favorite memory about your loved one.”

If you are friends with the family, give them time to grieve after the funeral is over.  Some people try to push the family back to “normal” and to “get over it” as soon as the funeral is over.  For many families, life will never return to “normal.”  They might develop a “new normal” but things will never go back to the way they were.  Everybody works through their grief at different speeds and in different ways.  It might take months or years for the person to work through their grief.  One mistake that we often make is to never talk about the deceased with family again.  Widowed spouses often are very touched when someone mentions their deceased loved one.  As a society we make dead people taboo and so the surviving spouse often feels more out of touch because no one will acknowledge that their loved one even existed.  Yes, the spouse may cry a bit—but it is normally a therapeutic release—it is good for them in the long run. 

Usually we will tell the family, “Call me if you need anything.”  It is best that we just suggest to them what we think they would find helpful; they can always say, “no” but then they don’t have to be creative or feel like the pressure is on them.  Often times just being present, spending some time with them is helpful.  You may not even say anything or do anything directly with them.  Just you being there, reading your own book, being in the same room, is a comfort to them.  They might be VERTY thankful that you didn’t force them to talk—but you are physically around in case they want to. 

Be mindful that people who are grieving may say some things that you find shocking, especially immediately after the event.  Let them vent.  You don’t need to correct everything that they said.  AND certainly keep the platitudes to yourself.  Some things should never be said aloud to a grieving person. “God needed another angel.”  “All things work for good.”  “Time heals all wounds.”  “God knows best.”  And never tell the person that they should not feel the way they do. Allow them to emote and express themselves.  Yes, they may say some things that you know are incorrect, but in the middle of grieving it is not the time to correct them.  Remember that God doesn’t need you to defend Him. 

The drive through funeral home approach seems very inappropriate to me in the majority of situations.  People need the ministry of face to face relationships.  Going to a visitation may be inconvenient and a bit uncomfortable for most of us—but it is the good and right thing to do.  If someone at church, at work or in the neighborhood dies or if you know a family member of someone who has died, please make an effort to demonstrate you love and concern in a very practical manner.

http://photoblog.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10362637-inside-las-drive-thru-and-bulletproof-funeral-home

The girls’ school is on the border between an ultra-Orthodox neighborhood and a community of modern Orthodox Jewish residents, many of them American immigrants.  The ultra-Orthodox consider the school an encroachment on their territory. Dozens of black-hatted men jeer and physically accost the girls almost daily, the students say.  Apparently these extremists are growing bolder in trying to force their views on others within their community.

Aron Heller of the Associated Press says that Beit Shemesh's growing ultra-Orthodox population has erected street signs calling for the separation of sexes on the sidewalks, dispatched "modesty patrols" to enforce a chaste female appearance and hurled stones at offenders and outsiders. Walls of the neighborhood are plastered with signs exhorting women to dress modestly in closed-necked, long-sleeved blouses and long skirts.[i]

I understand about people holding a strict religious view that may be at odds with others within their society.  I support the right of these people to express their views and to encourage others to adopt their stance on issues.  What I find distasteful is that they are targeting children in these endeavors in a manner that is hostile and confrontational.  I believe that these ultra-Orthodox Jews have crossed the line of decency.  Take it to the courts, seek to have laws changed, demonstrate in public, engage other adults in debate—but leave the children alone!

As I read this article on-line, I couldn’t help but wonder how my
evangelistic endeavors are perceived?  When I share my faith, I try not to be obnoxious about it.  I think it is right and proper for me to tell others about what I believe and to encourage them to believe it too!  I don’t think being confrontational and caustic is a helpful approach; that just shuts people down and is a put down.  I want to draw people into a dialogue.  I strongly believe what I say and I want them to believe what I believe, that means I have to respect their right to disagree and live in a manner that I might find contrary to my beliefs.  I cannot expect “right” behavior or even a change in behavior without first having a change in heart though faith.  We should seek to win people to Christ, not coerce them to outwardly conform their behavior to our standards.  
 
That being said, I think it is appropriate for the government to place expected norms of behavior upon it citizens. For example, laws against murder, theft and assault are necessary and appropriate.  Society at large can have expectations of civilized behavior that can be enforced by the community (i.e., shirts with vulgar or offensive language being prohibited at school). But one segment of society should not be allowed to force its standards on others within the community.  
 
However, society should not be able to completely silence opposing viewpoints because they are not politically incorrect.  I do not believe that sharing my views on sexuality should be censored by our society just because some others hold an opposing point of view.  I believe it is my right to share my beliefs with others in an appropriate and respectful manner.  We share the gospel and teach the bible at church; that should be our right to do that.  In our homes and in our neighborhoods it should be our right to tell our neighbors what we believe and how we desire to live.  I also believe that it is important for us to share our beliefs and voice our opinion on all public matters.  But we should never resort to name calling, derisive speech, or character assassination.  And certainly we should not bully the weak or the helpless.  Other people with differing viewpoints are not our enemies; they are people whom Our God loves and for whom Jesus died for.  Our goal is to help them to understand, to accept and embrace a gift that has been offered to them.

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 ESV

Our goal is to win their minds so that Christ can capture their hearts. You don’t do that with rudeness or bullying.  You do it with kindness and compassion.  It is done by valuing them as a person no matter how different their views are from yours.  Our goal is reach them; not defeat them.  Even if we are correct in our theology and practice, we can be wrong in how we go about sharing the truth.  
 
People matter.  

And we should treat them like they do.  Although they may not know it or they may even deny it, every person has been created in the image of God; therefore just by existing, they are worthy of our respect and concern.

 [i]'Existential challenge': Israeli girl's plight highlights Jewish extremism by
Aron Heller, Associated Press, updated 12/27/2011 3:17:18 AM ET


 

I recall reading statistics that indicate that children living in broken home with a male that is not their biological father are more likely to be abused or mistreated than those living with both biological parents.  
 
It seems we have a breakdown on several levels going on here.  First, we have a breakdown in the marital relationship. It is obvious that our sin nature gets in the way of healthy relationships.  Divorce and separation can be blamed on the hardness of our hearts (Matthew 19:8). Putting two fallible people together can easily end in disaster without God in the middle of their relationship. 

The second breakdown is in the parental role.  I believe that God designed the family structure, because of the need for complimentary points of view, and a constant need for someone with a vested interest to be involved in a child’s life.  When divorce or separation causes a break in this family structure, all the parenting decisions and responsibilities devolve to one parent at a time.  It puts a tremendous additional pressure on the single parent who is trying to juggle caring for their children while maintaining work and a social life at the same time.  And let’s face it—as much as I care for some of my children’s friends—I do not have the same level of interest, commitment, and care as I do for my own flesh and blood.

I am not saying that biological parents are perfect.  I know that I am not.  There are times when I am very inconsistent, self-centered, or selfish as I interact with my children.  We’ve seen instances where parents mistreat their own flesh and blood.  We fail to reflect the perfect example of God as our Heavenly Father.  To my shame, I know that at times I have disciplined my children out of anger or because of an inconvenience they’ve caused; but I am also grateful that God gave me a heart of love for them so that the damage I might have cause has been minimized.  It is my love for them that protects them from my own sinfulness.  
 
That kind of love seems to be fading in our society today.  And yet, that lack is nothing new.  One of the ministries of Elijah who was to return before the Messiah appeared was “to turn the hearts of the fathers back to the children” (Luke 1:17 NASB)

Here are two scripture passages that speak to the danger a father brings to childrearing:

And fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4 NASB)

Fathers, do not exasperate your children, that they may not lose heart. (Colossian 3:21 NASB)

Dads, can be all about obedience and discipline while expecting perfection from our kids.  We also can worry about how other people might view us if our kids aren’t perfect—so we put pressure and unrealistic expectations on our children.  Then when they fail, we can react too harshly.  The end result is that we drive our kids away from us; we damage them, and frustrate them.  All they really want from us is our love and instead all we give them is our correction, lectures, and an explanation about how they could have done it better.

Most of the dads I know really love their kids—we just have to learn how to demonstrate it more clearly to them.

Take some time to evaluate your relationship with your children.  Confess known failings to the Lord.  Ask for His strength and wisdom as you parent.  Pray that your love shows through to your kids.  

Children are a precious treasure that have been entrusted to us for a short time.  Let us choose to live in a fashion that demonstrates that we understand that.